The Duck of Justice for 4/13/17: No April surprises here
From The Bangor Police Department:
I am not going to pull some silly April Fool’s Day joke on you.
I hate Facebook April Fool’s Day jokes. Someone could get injured if I told you to come to the station to pick up your free flat screen television, surprise lottery winnings, or the new car you are going to receive since we dug a name from a from an old #10 B&M baked bean can.
So instead, I am going to print off the entire Penobscot County, Maine-Active Arrest Warrant list. This gives you a chance to look find your name on the list, then I am asking you to come to the Bangor Police Department and ask for Officer Nathaniel Alvarado.
Alvarado has the highest number of outstanding arrest warrants in the department and I think it would be really funny to have you all show up and demand he arrest you. Possibly at the same time. He only carries 4 sets of handcuffs, this will overwhelm him. I think in a good way.
So the joke isn’t even on you. It’s on him.
This will be hilarious. Think how awesome it would be to force us to rent a few school buses to take you all in.
This could get us all on The Late Late Show with James Corden. I bet we could do that Carpool Karaoke thing, only on a bus. Wearing handcuffs.
This is the entire list. I left off your last names to help you avoid embarrassment and ridicule, but you know who you are. This seemed like the most kind way to present the list.
If you all show up, and I mean ALL, we will stop at McDonalds on Main Street on the way to the jail and we can get milkshakes. This is an all or nothing thing. No holdouts. Everyone on the list needs to be here by 2pm. It has to be all of you at one time or this joke will fall flat.
If everyone shows up at 240 Main Street, I think we can get you all to the Penobscot County Jail by 5pm. Let’s do this!
Here are the names. Yes, this is the real list: Zach, Christopher, Keith, Victor, Elizabeth, Misty, Donald, Sierra, Anderson, Ella, Ricky, James, Michelle, Willie, Thomas, Justin, Thomas, James, Corey, Vincent, Amanda, Brian, Robert, David, Stephen, Joseph, Jody, Tamara, Michael, Christina, Madeline, Jessica, Jonathan, Caleb, Anderson, Roland, Justin, Malcolm, Kyle, Justin, Brandin, Ashley, Derick, Danielle, Robert, Christopher, Nicholas, Jarrett, Bryan, Elizabeth, Adam, Michael, Crystal (I think she got arrested yesterday), Jaimie, Earl, Jonathan, Shawn, Shayla, Stephen, Marcis, Tiffany, Carolyn, Marc, Christopher, Corinne, David, James, David, Misty, Kersten, Allison, Audrey, Tamara, John, Alan, Daniel, Donald, Corey, Lorne (Not Michaels…but there are only a few people named Lorne around. Give it up brother), Christopher, Liza (there ain’t no hole in her bucket), Roger (Roger, you have like 6 warrants-come on, buddy), Eugene, Corey, Marc, Jessica, Robert, William, James, Nicholas, Erick, Rocky, Charles, Jessica, Russell, Amanda, Reed, Richard, Kara, Harold, Jonathan, Erica, Mark, James, Anthony, Leon, Jeremy, Gary, Willard (this is one of those names in which hiding the last name probably doesn’t help…so turn yourself in, Willard), Russell, Walter, Margaret, Daniel, Michael, Alex, Richard, Monica, Joshua, Rolando (like Willard, Rolando better just head over to the jail), Ryan, Judith, Tino (Tino…everyone is gonna assume this is you), Jamie, Joshua, Walter, Durelsi (Sorry, Durelsi…kind of obvious. Call the PD, we will give you a ride), Amanda, Timothy (this is not me, FYI), Bridgett, Marc, Joshua, Elizabeth, Michael, Kyle, Jennifer, Curtis, Harold, Jamie, Robert, and Omar (pretty obvious).
Please bring a current photo identification card. I do not want to buy milkshakes for imposters.
For the rest of you, I hope you have a great day. Drop us a comment to let us know where you are and what you are doing today. We love to hear your stories.
Working dogs don’t tend to go to the spa. At least that’s what K9 Aki told Officer Jamie Fanning around Christmas when he received a one-day “spa-licious” certificate for a Bulgarian hot oil massage along with a creamy cucumber and coconut oil facial.
Lucky the Bulgarian ladies were not upset when Fanning went and got her money back for the thoughtful stocking stuffer. Borislava did refund Jamie’s money, but also warned that the next time, there would be no complimentary Kebapche for Aki. We get it.
Aki only wanted more “outside time” at the end of a working day. He and Fanning shook on it, and he has been getting it this winter.
Enter Max Kuhn, son of Detective Josh Kuhn. Max also received a similar promise from his dad and was rewarded with same when Aki stopped over for a play date. Max had no interest in the Kebapche either, just more outside time.
With all the gifts that can be given, sometimes the simplest gifts mean the most. Keep that in mind next time you go all “Kardashian” on Amazon. Time away from work, a couple of disappearing snowballs and a Maine dusk with a dog can be all you need to make a day great.
Keep your hands to yourself, leave other people’s things alone, and be kind to one another.
We will be here.